EXCLUSIVE: Former Anonymous writer of Trek 4 shares his experience
Interviewer: Hello, we are here today to talk to a former writer for the very very very (like really very) long delayed fourth Kelvin movie. With the announcement of a prequel movie being released instead and yet ANOTHER new set of writers for the next Kelvin movie, we reached out to the only person who returned our calls; a former writer from the 2023 project.
To give us an honest insight into his experience he wishes to remain anonymous. For the sake of this interview he will be simply referred to as ‘GotohellParamount’. Thank you for meeting with me today.”
GotohellParamount’: “You’re welcome.”
Interviewer: “It sounds like your experience working on the last movie didn’t end too well. How is your relationship with the studio today?”
GotohellParamount: “Bleep them in their bleeping bleepholes. I hope they all die from bleeping Ebola.”
Interviewer: ‘That’s some pretty colorful metaphors. Can I ask what happened?”
GotohellParamount: “Their bleeps that’s what. We spent a year working on that movie. We lost the director to go work for Marvel because these bleepholes kept bleeping us around. I got so frustrated I finally texted the Head Studio Guy and said ‘will you people stop bleeping around!? Get off your bleeps and let’s make a movie already!!’
Three weeks went by and I finally got a response from them. It simply read ‘K’. Bleepholes!!! By the way you’re not going to ‘bleep’ any of these words out are you?”
Interviewer: “Um…of course not. Can you tell us a little about what the movie was about?”
GotohellParamount: “The gist was a huge black ship comes from the 25th century to the 23rd century wiping out solar systems in the Federation. It was a new villain who wanted…wait for it…vengeance. That bleep was going to be bleeping awesome!!”
Interviewer: “So who was going to be the villain?”
GotohellParamount: “That’s the greatest part of it all. He was going to call himself…you ready: Kaos. JJ Abrams himself came up with that name. But then the true reveal was that he was indeed Kirk’s great great great great great great great great great great grandson from the future and came to stop Kirk from destroying his planet so he had to destroy the Federation first. We were even thinking Chris Pine can play both parts but Paramount was worried he would demand twice the salary.”
Interviewer: “I interviewed Chris Pine a few months ago and he was hoping there would be more scenes of him riding another motorcycle. Did you include that in the script?”
GotohellParamount: “Do you remember the ending of Mission Impossible 2 with the motorcycle duel? Pretty much the same ending with our movie with Kirk versus his evil grandson; except it was going to take place either on Romulus or in San Francisco. We were still figuring it out. There was even talk of it happening on a lava planet… but that would’ve ballooned the budget.
Interviewer: “Sounds very exciting. How was he going to wipe out the solar systems?”
GotohellParamount: “The ship he was on had the power to destroy stars by breaking down their fusion reactions. The FX was going to be bleeping sick.”
Interviewer: “Wait so the ship was a…Star destroyer?”
GotohellParamount: “Yep but to get around copyright issues JJ wanted to call it a Destroyer of Stars. The man is a bleeping genius I tell you.”
Interviewer: “It’s definitely a name.”
GotohellParamount: “We were so proud of the script. We gave it to JJ to read it. After he put it down, he took off his glasses put his hand on my shoulders and said ‘this is the most original Star Trek story I’ve ever read and I’ve read three of them.’ You have no idea how much that meant coming from such a visionary like him.”
Interviewer: “I’m sure you were. Was there any casting possibilities before it was shut down?”
GotohellParamount: “Was there?? We reached out to some incredible actors! Robert Downey Jr, Florence Pugh, Emily Blunt, Cillian Murphy and Matt Damon. We wanted him to actually play Kirk’s evil grandson.
Interviewer: “Wait… weren’t all of them in Oppenheimer?’
GotohellParamount: “(Hard shrug)! I don’t know I haven’t seen it yet. Unfortunately Matt Damon’s agent was the only one who bothered to call us back. Apparently he always wanted to work with John Cho. Go figure? Too late now unfortunately.”
Interviewer: “Well that’s all the time we have. Thank you for your incredible and honest insight. Any thoughts on the new movie announcement or the chances either one will actually get made?”
GotohellParamount: (Laughs for three minutes). That’s it.”
Interviewer: “Thank you.’
